look no pants
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
