i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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