he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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