piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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