I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
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