He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Randomize
