WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Randomize
