I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
