and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
