she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
smell my finger.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Randomize
