It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
