i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
