I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
