so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
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so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
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Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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