Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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