Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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