I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
