My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
