I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
