just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
