Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
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I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
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but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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