The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
