jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
