the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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