you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
