Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
