It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
