nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
