Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
did i just pee glitter
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Randomize
