Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
