Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
