i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
