You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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