what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
