operation harelip BJ is a go
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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