I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
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