my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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