I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
