I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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