Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
