haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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