mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
