no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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