Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
That accounts for only three of the penises
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
