She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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