He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Shame - the story of my life.
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