I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
