dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
