i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
