The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
