were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
