i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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