I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
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Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
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If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
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