She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
