the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
whose parrot is this?
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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