My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
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